Bottom Blues

I don’t know why, and I seem to have my medical professionals stumped too, I get a sharp pain in my tailbone, from time to time. 

No pain medication they have tried works for me. It’s not like something used to work and stopped. Nothing works. Not morphine, not Delotted, or any number of other drugs whose name escapes me. 

Delotted used to have a slight effect, but only when delivered through an iv, while I was still in the hospital. Now it is administered through my feeding tube and has no effect, even though I now get nearly twice the dose. I will admit that Backlifin has provided some small relief, but only some. I don’t know if you have ever bruised your tailbone, if you have you know what I’m talking about, if you haven’t just let me say it hurts. Sometimes I will cough, and it will cause me to cry it will hurt so bad.

I often do not know my inspiration for a post. Sometimes it is an event or memory from my past that pops into my head. Perhaps it’s something someone said to me. If I have the time right then I will write, if not, I will most likely at least write down a keyword, which will remind me what I wanted to write about. Sometimes. 

I often give credit to that source, especially when it seems germain to what I want to say. I make mention of my family and friends often, as they are mostly what this BLOG is really about. 

This is my journal, this is my life. I write down my thoughts,  like I am thinking out loud. Maybe you will find them profound, maybe you will find them sophomoric. Either way, they are my thoughts. 

What you get is one man’s opinion. A look at the world through my lenses. A way you might not have considered. Maybe nobody is listening, maybe nobody cares. That’s OK, it’s the process that makes me better. At least my version of better, and that’s all that matters to me. In the end, as I’ve stated before, this is my therapy!

Slimming Down and Vegging Out

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s now been 10 months since my stroke. And although I probably have lost nearly 25 pounds. And have been on a Vegan liquid diet the entire time. 

I still have my gut and thighs. So I don’t know what kind of diet you are on, but unless it includes some form of exercise, chances are you are not going to lose the weight where you want to. 

10 months and I look like the poster child for some Ethiopian refugee fund! It’s really rather disheartening, you would have thought that after all this time, I would be rocking a slim senior body, rather than some Dale Gribble look-alike from King of the Hill. 

In our later years, there is a certain amount of vanity that we hold onto. Even though I don’t ever leave this bed, I still bathe, keep my nails trimmed, brush my hair, and trim and comb my goatee. I do those things because they keep me feeling human. It’s even done to us after we die! Society places such a premium on our looks, that we get one last makeover before we are lowered into the ground for our final dirt nap!

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I have taken to watching more television than I should. Every weekday morning, on the Quest network, I have been watching Pawn Kings and Auction Kings. 

Pawn Kings is like the Jerry Springer of Pawn shows. Set in Detroit, it is a show that displays both the greed and desperation that mankind is capable of. All the sweat and toil are represented in the various offerings for which they take pennies on the dollar. And the robber barons laugh all the way to the bank. You know that like Friday night wrestling, it all is staged, just to entertain you. And even though you catch yourself pointing out the things which would never happen were this real, you can’t seem to turn away from the drama, regardless of how surreal. 

Auction Kings is a show that displays rich people who bid against each other, for the right to display their wealth to their friends. Seldom is it an item they can even use, but rather something they will hang on a wall or place on their coffee table. A reminder to all who gaze upon it, or even themselves, that they have so much money, they can spend it on things that display that wealth. Kind of like putting a stack of $100 bills on your coffee table, or nailing them to your wall, or at least as pretentious. 

It really is a complete waste of time. It is for adults, what Saturday morning cartoons are for little kids. Who am I trying to fool? If I could still eat cereal, you know where you would find me on a Saturday. Some things don’t ever change. Only now my pajamas are a little bigger!

A Reflection Is An Underutilized Tool

We grew up poor, but we lived in a poor neighborhood, so we didn’t really notice most of the time.

 But it was the times when the electricity got turned off, and our house was dark, while the whole neighborhood was ablaze with light.

 Or when my Sisters and I would have to go to school with no sack lunch and no lunch money. Those were the times when I realized just how poor we were, and it wouldn’t really bother me, everyone  I knew was in somewhat the same situation.  

As a matter of fact, our economic plight is one of the main reasons I got involved in theater when I was only about 12 years old, however, I knew it meant I would have to walk home alone, nearly three miles, in the dark. It took my mind off the realities of life, which I was beginning to understand, it was up to me if things were to change. I look at my childhood as a happy one. We didn’t have a lot, but I remember lots of good times. 

There is no doubt in my mind,  that kids today have a great deal more peer pressure. With smart phones and game systems, I believe it has never been more difficult to be a kid. Or more expensive to be a parent! 

We spend our lives, trying to fit in, yet at the same time, trying to stand out. The lack of resources makes both of those endeavors hard to do. I can’t say I have been successful at either one. But this journey isn’t finished yet, and who knows, I may just have a few surprises up my sleeve!

I have, for a long time, been captivated,  by the theory of self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s a concept I was first introduced to during my freshman in college, while I was studying early childhood development. You see, at the time, I wanted to be a fifth-grade teacher. I thought I was at least as smart as a fifth grader, that was before the show, then I thought otherwise. 

There have been a great many teachers that have come into my life and left an impression. But the truth is, I’m not ready to stop being a student. There is still much I have to learn. 

As for self-fulfilling prophecy, teachers have always told me that I was destined for greatness. I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t just happen, you must apply yourself. Otherwise, all the potential in the world will become regretful. You are born with certain gifts, don’t waste them. Identify your gifts early on, and as the saying goes, use it before you lose it!

It’s A Q & A Day

Robin asked: If you could teach the readers anything, what are you an expert at? 

A: I often wonder if the old adage: Jack of all trades, master of none, was written about me. I guess I have become somewhat of a Renaissance man over many years and in many professions. I’d say it has helped me, more than hurt me. One of the most positive aspects, as I see it, is that it has created in me, a thirst for knowledge. I love to read, and I gravitate, towards more non-fiction titles as I once told you. So, it would be disingenuous on my part, to claim to be an expert on anything. However, I did make a living, for nearly 25 years, as a karaoke DJ. And what I came to realize, was that it was really about pleasing people most. 

I could teach you a great deal about how to run all types of equipment, how to work a song rotation, and the best way to protect your equipment, but learning to handle a crowd, well you either have it, or you don’t. Even had my own stable of D.J.s for a while. And I figured out rather early, that the ones that had it, eventually were going to become your competitors. Meanwhile, they just pick your brain of all the stuff, that it took years for you to figure out until they think they’re ready to strike out on their own. 

I drew crowds. I was the only karaoke show that I was aware of, that not only charged a $5 cover charge but would routinely have a line of people waiting to pay it! I was good at my chosen craft. I dare say, that I was even great. I worked my audiences and being entertained was something they expected which would bring them back night after night. I enjoyed what I did, and really only quit due to health reasons. 

While laying in a hospital, after having my first stroke, that’s right, I said my first, a doctor held my chest x-ray, while summizing that I was a two-pack-a-day smoker. He was in disbelief when I told him I hadn’t smoked a day in my life. The moral of that story is never let someone tell you that secondhand smoke won’t do you any harm! I’m living proof, that’s not the case. 

As I said before, you have it or you don’t. Public speaking is not for everyone. It’s not about imagining that your audience is in their underwear. If you are an entertainer at heart, you will eventually learn to master a crowd, but I suppose I could help you get there faster!

I want to do something with my life, so that someday when I get out of this bed, I can point to my time here as productive, and not wasted. I don’t know yet, what that something is. Maybe I’ll write a book, or I’ll go back to school, or I’ll learn another language. I haven’t decided yet. Perhaps you have some ideas. 

I need to challenge myself. To give myself something to reach for, that makes me a better person. I am open to your suggestions, although I wouldreserve the right to make the final decision. 

Before my stroke, I was enrolled at Purdue University in Health care Administration. I carried a 4.0 GPA. I was pretty proud of that. being 60 years old. So, that’s the direction I’m leaning toward, school, although I would probably change my major. 

At this point in my life, I’m not looking for a vocation, I’m just interested in the learning. I’ve always said, if I ever stop learning, I’ll stop living!

Bedhead Poet Society

This is getting tiresome to write. Because of computer glitches, it will be the third attempt at this post. It changes a little each time, hopefully, you will like this version. 

Back when I was a young man, about 45 years ago, while I was 15, a freshman in high school, and my future was still unwritten. I dreamed that I’d be the next Hemingway, only younger. So I took a creative writing course, sure to get an A. 

I remember that I got a B. Not bad, but not the A I hoped for. For some reason, I remember a particular poem I wrote. This is that poem:: 

I’m not insane as some have said 

There’s nothing wrong inside my head 

It’s all up there, it’s all intact 

I’m not insane, and that’s a fact 

I’m not insane, but they don’t hear 

I’m not insane 

It’s that they fear 

So when the doctor comes back in 

Would you please explain to him 

And speak to him, as you did I 

And tell him your no common fly 

Obviously no Elizabeth Barrett Browning or William Shakespeare, but pretty clever for a 15-year-old high school kid, wouldn’t you say? 

While I was in the Army, stationed at Fort Polk, Louisiana, I wrote a love song. A buddy of mine, by the name of Dave Botz, put it to music, and we recorded it in a bathroom ( better acoustics you know ). 

That song actually got played one late night, at a small radio station, in some small town in Minnesota. How many people do you know that can claim that? 

And recently, when I was in one of my dark moods, I penned another poem, which I’m going to share with you now: 

 IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE 

by Bob Layton 

Each  day more precious than the last, you wouldn’t understand. 

For soon I’ll leave, and won’t return, a memory Left to stand. 

I’ll be with you each time you turn, you’ll swear you saw me there, 

But I’ll but be a memory, a whisper if you dare. 

So close your eyes and think of me, My laughter, and my smile. 

And know that we will meet again, in just a little while.

Through the years, I have been a writer, in one way or the other. Not a household name, but a writer on my terms. I have written poetry, love songs, and finally this BLOG. In the end, it has been my form of therapy. 

I’m not insane. Although, you would probably get an argument from my wife!

Life Long Learning and Growth

I had my stroke on September 22nd, 2021, and I guess you could describe the past eight months as the definition of hell on earth. What else could you consider it, when you go from a normal functioning adult to an almost childlike state, where everything has to be done for you, from feeding to cleaning. It is an adjustment, to say the least.

It has also been a time of reflection and personal growth. I realize that before my stroke, I was just going through my days, without really challenging myself or using my God-given talents. I was just settling. 

Now I am focused. Though every day is much like the last, I have found that the depth of my mind allows me to challenge myself to new limits. I have always possessed these abilities, it is only now that I have drawn upon them. 

We are each capable of achieving great things. But we oftentimes fall into a routine that causes us to settle on the easy way. TV, Facebook, Tiktok, Twitter, or any number of distractions can leave us wondering where all the time has gone. Our productivity suffers, and we don’t realize, it is at our own hands. Sometimes we even forego sleep, to serve these electronic thieves of our time. 

Do we really need to follow the life of some fictional, on-air character, or measure our success by how many likes we get, to our last comment on some post on Facebook? We are here for such a short time, in the grand scheme of things. A mere blip on the timeline of history. The question will be, are we remembered for our contributions to those around us? Or forgotten as easily as a high school gym locker combination!

Nearly everyone is walking around with more computer power than we had to send the first men to the moon, and it gets used for checking out our social media page more frequently than to expand our knowledge. Athletes get better when they challenge themselves. Taking on people better than us hones our skills, we become better. It’s the same when it comes to mental challenges. If we tend to hang out with people who use an expanded vocabulary, ours seems to expand too. Unfortunately, the opposite also tends to be true. Think about a job you’ve held, where everybody uses the worst of language, if you’re honest with yourself, soon you had a similar use of a vocabulary. We raise or lower ourselves to those around us, whether we realize it or not. 

I find myself reading a lot of articles and papers on my condition. Many of them use terms I’ve never heard before. I, therefore, find myself looking them up. This not only requires my remembering the terms, but how to spell them, or at least something close. I feel smarter already!

The new shirts are in, so get your orders placed, for your friends and family now. The shirt drive lasts through July 18th. Then they will ship within 2 to 4 weeks. We have a fundraiser set up through a company called Custom Ink. After we sell a few shirts, all the money goes to us. I’m asking that if you are considering getting a shirt, that you do so now. My wife Jonell had this design made up, and I think it turned out pretty good. A nice powder blue shirt, with a character of me. What else could you want? You know that you want one, so order yours before it’s too late, and they are gone! I truly appreciate all those who take the time out of their day to check into my BLOG! 

Q and A Day

Q: How do you entertain yourself /How do you relax? 

I am choosing to answer these questions together, because they are the same, as far as I’m concerned. Reading, writing and watching movies, and listening to music, are all ways in which I entertain myself these days, depending on how I feel. They also are the ways I relax. 

I can’t tell you how many times, especially with writing, where I’ve spent hours, and I’ve lost complete track of time. Writing has become my number-one go-to these days. Although, I often do so while I listen to music in the background. Take a break from writing, when a particularly favorite song is playing. Music is transformative to me. I usually return to where I was when I listened to a song. 

Reading is something I do to expand my mind. I lean toward nonfiction and self-help titles but am not opposed to reading books if they can hold my attention. ONE by Richard Bach is a favorite of mine. You should check it out. I am currently getting ready to read some of his other words. If you are wondering, I am a member of a Library of Congress program, which has a “books on tape “offering for people with disabilities. Although I must admit, I do miss the tactile experience I got from actual books: even if the new way is cheaper! 

Movies are just my “mindless escape “, that I only turn to, as a last resort. Often I choose titles that I have already seen but don’t remember until I’m halfway through them. It’s alright though, seldom can I remember how they end. Ah, the glories of old age!

Q: If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would play you? 

A: That would depend on if I were to select someone based on their looks, or because I like them as an actor. I go back and forth between Al Pacino and Kevin Costner. 

In my younger days, I would often be told, that I looked like Al Pacino. Maybe because my hair was dark and my nose was big. My hair is nowhere as dark these days, and I didn’t outgrow that big nose thing. Anyway, the question wasn’t, which actor do I most look like. It simply was, who would play me 

In that case, I would have to choose Kevin Costner, if I had the choice. 

Kevin Costner has become one of my favorite actors and strikes me as the kind of person, who studies the person he is portraying. 

I have enjoyed his work throughout the years!